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Matilda Rockflinger

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[08 Jan 2005|09:10pm]
ok..so the new journal is up and running..
bungholethis
PWEASE ADD ME!
i'll give it about..3 days..then i'm gonna take off people who don't add me back, or add people who added me who i didn't already add.
if you want me to remove you from this friend list, just tell me and i will in a few days. i don't want to delete this journal. i have some semi good memories from it lol.
1 comment|post comment

new journal name [08 Jan 2005|08:33pm]
ok, my new journal is bungholethis. i'm gonna go ahead and add most of the people from this list, so please add me back!
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please comment to this [06 Jan 2005|09:21pm]
[ mood | curious ]

i'm comtemplating making a new livejournal. i've basically only kept this one for my friends page. i love reading my friends page, and i know i don't comment alot but i read it every day. i don't want to lose any of my friends on my list, so i'm wondering before i go and take the time to make a new journal, are any of you interested in adding a new name if i were to make one? i just want a fresh start, but if no one is really going to take the time to add me, i'll just keep this one so i can keep reading my friend's page and live life through everyone else lol. thanks

11 comments|post comment

guh! [13 Dec 2004|04:43pm]
[ mood | and tired ]

i'm at work right now and terribly bored, so now is as good of time as any to make an update.

what's everyone doing for the hollidays? i went to temple with my sister and her boyfriend last Friday night. it was deffinately interesting, but i can't say i really gained anything from it. he said i should convert, and i was like convert from what, i don't believe in God at all.

what does everyone want for Christmas?
this year is going to be kind of shitty. not alot of money at our house right now, so i guess i will be lucky to get whatever i get. is it totally wrong that i'm selfish and i hate the hollidays because i hate spending my money on other people when i know i won't get anything i actually like or need in return from them? why can't in December people just go around and buy stuff for themselves that they want, instead of spending money on other people and not even knowing if they will like what you get them. i know it's all about giving and crap but i get sick of it lol it's stressful and there are so many things i want right now but i can't get because i have to think about Christmas and shit.

so all i want for Christmas is money to get my tattoo fixed. i mean i want more than that, but that's the number 1 thing on my list. i also want a new pair of glasses. i love mine but they are kind of dressy i want something a little more mellow. not that anyone cares.

tomorrow my boss won't be here, so i have to work with my BOSS BOSS lady who makes me cover up my nose piercing, but when she isn't here i don't do it. i think i'm getting sick and i don't want to deal with her tomorrow. she makes me very uncomfortable. she only comes here like once every 2 weeks, she doesn't even know all the kids names. GUH.

some more rambling to kill time while this kid is at the computer lab..
my turtles are stupid lol. they don't do anything. i mean i know they aren't like dogs or something..but gah, i don't know, they look so depressed. maybe i should release them or something? but they would probably die if i did i mean they probably wouldn't make it, i'm sure they've never been out in the wild, they are babies.

i got The Killers CD. mostly because i think the lead singer is hot. how retarded is that? i like that song Mr. Brightside, but i hate their first song, the others on the CD don't seem that bad.

i just can't wait untill the hollidays are over and things start going back to normal.

2 comments|post comment

i got fucking turtles! [11 Dec 2004|10:25pm]
[ mood | my turtles are suicidal. ]

guh! i got turtles today! at the flea market of all places!
they were for sell AT A STAND THAT ALSO SOLD STEERING WHEEL COVERS!
$15 for 2 turtles and the little jailcell cage and some rocks and food.
i went to Wal Mart and got them an aquarium and some rocks and food.
they are FLIPPIN SWEET. ok, well not really..but i gotta make them fun..by taking pics and talking to them and makin up stories about them. OH YEAH! when they are bad, i yell at them and tell them i could have gotten a CD instead of them! and i wash my hands after everytime i touch them because i don't want their diseases. lol

that's Brian SuperMang. he is a lazy fat lard. when i came home from dinner i ran in my room screaming HEY GUYS! and he was in the corner with his head in his shell.

that's Ugly Kid James. he is a fat lard too, but a fast swimmer. i was tired of them sleeping so i put them in the water to wake them up.

there's fat A Brian SuperMang in the water.

and his gay brother Ugly Kid James doin his thang.
i tell them apart because BSM has red stripes on each side of his face, and UKJ has yellow ones.
fuckin turtles!

4 comments|post comment

[05 Dec 2004|11:21am]
ok, i can thank the movie Closer for making me like Damien Rice..i can't stop listening to The Blowers Daughter. guh..

and i think i'm going to see Motorcycle Diaries for the third time this week, who's with me?
(i bet this entry won't even get one comment lol)
6 comments|post comment

[29 Nov 2004|08:42am]
who wants to take a road trip with me to New York to see Bad Education?
2 comments|post comment

i must really be bored [23 Nov 2004|11:27am]
(x) been drunk
( ) vomited because of it
(x) kissed a member of the opposite sex
(x) kissed a member of the same sex
( ) crashed a friend's car
( ) been to Japan
( ) ridden in a taxi
(x) been in love
(x) been dumped
(x) gone streaking
(x) shoplifted
( ) been fired
( ) been in a fist fight
(x) snuck out of my parent's house
(x) watched a porno
( ) made out Spiderman style
(x) ever had a crush on someone of the same sex
( ) ever dated someone of the same sex
(x) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back
(x) been involved in an affair
( ) been arrested
(x) gotten a stranger's number
(x) made out with a stranger
(x) stole something from my job
( ) celebrated new years in time square
(x) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
(x) had a crush on a teacher
( ) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
( ) been to Europe
(x) skipped school
( ) slept with a co-worker
(x) cut myself on purpose
( ) accidentally or purposefully shot someone with a BB gun
( ) been married
( ) gotten divorced
( ) had children
(x) seen someone die
(x) broken a bone
( ) recieved stitches
( ) been to Africa
(x) Punched a friend
( ) Driven over 400 miles to attend a show/festival/fetish ball
( ) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane
(x) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
( ) Thrown up in a bar
( ) Purposely set a part of myself on fire
(x) Eaten Sushi
( ) Been snowboarding
(x) Met someone in person from the internet
(x) Been moshing at a concert
(x) had real feelings for someone you knew only online
(x) taken partially nude/nude photos of yourself
( ) been in an abusive relationship
( ) gone to college
( ) graduated college
(/) tried killing yourself
(x) taken painkillers
(x) love someone or miss someone right now
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ok, i posted this in we_love_mullets but it was so good i had to post it here.. [14 Nov 2004|01:39am]
ok, so i've been looking for the perfect mullet community for a while now (like 5 minutes) and i decided on this one because it was by far the best (the one with the most members out of the 3 i found).

anywho..

mullets are amazing. my family and friends and i cherrish them with an unspoken appreciation. like when my sister or my best friend's see one, they say "Jess.." and i respond with "i already know." (and always with a smile)

i went to the fair tonight, and you know what that means, plenty of rednecks with mullets, but this was just meant to be, that i'd see an amazing mullet on such a young kid when i had my cam with me. this has given me faith that if i bring my cam everywhere i go, i will find beautiful inspirational mullets to take pictures of.

so on to the mullet love.
click this, you won't regret it..long ass mullet blowing in the wind!Collapse )
1 comment|post comment

short update [31 Oct 2004|05:10pm]
i haven't been online much because my dad had a heart attack Thursday night, he is in stable condition but i've been spending all of my time at the hospital.
2 comments|post comment

[28 Oct 2004|09:33am]
yesterday Steffie heard Ashley's cell phone ringing and screamed "ICE CREAM TRUCK!?"

then her nephew pee'd by my car.
2 comments|post comment

[24 Oct 2004|08:36am]
guh..Shaun of the Dead was amazing..

thanks Jaime for tellin me about it..

second funniest movie ever to Napoleon Dynamite.

and both were deffinately worth the 70 mile drive to see them.
2 comments|post comment

[22 Oct 2004|10:24am]
RIP Elliott Smith
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deftones concert [14 Oct 2004|10:04am]
[ mood | cheerful ]

holy shit..

last night i saw Deftones in concert for the first time. i gotta admit after White Pony i kinda lost track of Deftones and never got their latest cd but it was a while after it came out and i was scared it wouldn't compare and i didn't want to be let down..i was so wrong.
from like 6th grade to like 11th they were my all time fave band and any problem in my life i could look to Deftones for guidance. they still are one of my fave bands and to get to see them in concert was like a spiritual experience lol

we got to House of Blues 5 and a half hours early and were the second people in line..but it sucked because we still didn't get to be right in front because if you eat at House of Blues resturant and have tickets you get to be up in the front..grrrrr so i was behind some dudes that were in the front and this one kid was cursing me out cuz i wouldn't get my hand off the bar and i was like "fuck you asshole deal with it!"

some band named Dredg opened for them and all night people were like "who is Dredg?" but they actually weren't that bad, they put on a good show...

then Deftones came out! they played like 15 songs and i can't really remember all the songs they played because it was a blur i was gettin kicked by crowd surfers and lookin at Chino's CK undies and watching the sweat fly off Chi's hair..and Chino kept crouchin down right in front of me and then i would let go of one of the guys i was holdin onto and put my hand up and try to touch him lol..i cried durring the whole thing it was like my mom seein the Beatles or something lol..it was amazing..
i was depressed when it was over because it was like i was so close yet so far..oh well..it was amazing the mosh was intense and it made me sad because i spent more time kickin ass to stay up than seein the band perforn the songs i love, so next time i'm so gettin a balcony seat..but at least for now i have seen them and seen them play in person.

2 comments|post comment

[06 Oct 2004|08:26pm]
i hate people who delete me from their friend's list without telling me why..

if you're going to delete me, at least fucking tell me
5 comments|post comment

[06 Oct 2004|10:24am]
1. Tell me something obvious about yourself
2. Tell me something about yourself that I don't know.
3. What is your biggest fear?
4. Do you normally take the safe route or the shortcut?
5. What is the one thing you want the most that you can't buy with money?
6. What is your most treasured possession?
7. What is the one thing you hate most about yourself that you do the most often?
8. Tell me something about you sexually that I don't know.
9. Tell me something about you sexually that everybody knows.
10. What is your favorite lie to tell?
11. Name something you have done once that you can't wait to do again.
12. Are you the jealous type?
13. What is the 1 person, place or thing that you can never say no to?
14. What is the nicest thing someone has ever done for you?
15. If you could do something crazy right now, what would it be?
16. When was the last time you cried?
17. When was the last time you felt so good that nothing else mattered?
18. Do you feel comfortable in public with no shirt on?
19. Name something embarrassing you did while drunk.
20. If you post this in your journal, do you want me to answer it?
4 comments|post comment

[01 Oct 2004|10:16am]
ummmm

happy late birthday to me..

...yeah...
6 comments|post comment

my turn to ramble.. [16 Sep 2004|10:25pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]

it's 14 days untill i turn 18. when i look back at myself at 15, i never would have imagined this is who i'd be at 18 or where i'd be or i'd have done the things i have done so far. i can't help but feel like a failure. i feel like i have nothing to be proud of in my life, i haven't achieved anything. i mean yeah, i have my GED but that wasn't hard to get, i took a test and got a certificate. no one treated me any differently, i didn't even get a pat on the back.

guh..i was depressed when i was 14. all i wanted to do was to be 16. my life sucked sooo bad. i couldn't go anywhere without having a ride, i couldn't get a cellphone, i couldn't get a job..i felt so much older but i felt trapt. all i wanted to do was be 16. i'd be in highschool and i'd have a car and i'd be so happy. then 16 came and i was still depressed. i felt like shit..this has to be the worst. highschool is a sham, you don't automatically get the car and job and cellphone of your dreams..i was totally depressed. so what did i do? i fucking dropped out of highschool..like, less than a month after it was legal. i had big plans alright. i'd go to adult highschool, and pull in credits like they were goin out of style..and end up graduating a year and a half early. i was fucking wrong. i went there, and i liked it at first..without having due dates or someone breathing down my neck all the time to get my work down, by working at my own pace, i felt less stressed..i could relax..then i started to relax too much. i started only going 2 days a week for like 3 hours a day. i couldn't even go more than 2 fucking days a week when i only went for 3 hours a day anyways..
i didn't even go to school the last 3 weeks of my sophomore year.

that summer my best friend Tana got a car. i was devastated..and jealous. i'm the oldest of my friends, and i'm almost a year older than her..i didn't even have my liscense yet, let alone a car. she went on to get a job and things were really going for her. her and Ashley would call me and try to get me to hang out, but i felt so depressed i stopped answering the phone. they would come to my house and try to pull my sorry ass outta bed and get me in the shower and i wouldn't even do that.

then that September..4 days before my 17th birthday, my parents finally did what they had been talking about for 6 years. we sold our house and we were moving back up north. Ashley and i had our tears, but Tana treated me like shit and wouldn't talk to me before i left. like it was my fault i was moving..real nice...so i spent my 17th birthday alone in a fucking hotel in shit hole Indiana. i didn't get a card, not even a call.

6 months went by in Indiana and at first it wasn't that bad. we went to Chicago like 3 times a week and after a month i finally got a car and a cellphone. i felt like the shit..for a few days. but i had no one to share it with..no friends or anything. i had to resort to driving around with my fucking shitty sister. i called Ashley and Tana to tell them how excited i was. Ashley was excited for me for a few minutes, and Tana, i couldn't even get ahold of her..she was working and partying with her new friends from work (Tana partying isn't normal..it's like she fuckin regressed or something)..so i just fed self pitty pit. so i started doing things alone, going to Barnes and Noble for coffe and reading, and seeing movies because i didn't have to talk to anyone to do those things. then when the gas money ran out and i applied for every job on the planet and got no calls, i realized how bad 17 and having a car and a cellphone could be..because it meant responsibility. back in the day i said all i wanted was a car and a cell and a job, i wanted to feel more like an adult and that's what made me depressed, being an adult. shit was so much easier when i was 14, i wish i had appreciated it then.

so i stopped going out..it started snowing, i had no job, no friends, no money..so i never left my house. it was perfect..no one trying to pull me out of my slump..i could be alone and dig my hole deeper. untill my mom told me about the GED class she saw in the news paper.

so it was my parents idea for me to just get my GED. it pretty much been the entire subject of this journal for a long time..something i wanted to get..but never saw myself getting..it just seemed out of reach for me..i couldn't commit myself to anything. but once i started, it was so easy..i went to the class 4 times and was ready to take the test..alot of shit happened right before i took it which almost kep tme from taking it, but thanks to a principal in Indiana i don't even know, and the lie he told, i got to take it..and it was totally easy..so then i waited to find out if i passed or not.

a couple weeks after i took my test i had a good week durrin the 6 months of hell. Ashley flew up to visit me durring Christmas break. but then that just turned into something i don't look fondly on now because it was hard, after being so depressed and anti social to have someone there..it was too demanding..i ended up going in the bathroom every night and crying. i was glad that she cared enough to spend the money to fly there and see me, and it proved she was a friend for life..but it just made me miss the old days and the things i had taken for granted.

so in February my parents broke our lease and we came back to Florida. big suprise..i knew it wasn't meant to be..and i gotta admitt..at first i was totally happy. i am back in my element..and this time it can work. Palm Coast won't suck if i have a car..and i can spend lots of time with my friends, i'll get a job..things won't be that bad.

i still hadn't found out if i got my GED or not, and i was starting to get really down about it. what if i thought i did so well and really i didn't. what if i fuckin blew it.
then when i least expected it, i got a huge ass envelope in the mail, and it was the fuckin GED. Ashley was excited of course but i didn't think anyone else was. i think it just proved to them i wasn't living up to my potential.

i didn't have a job, i had no money, and my parents were payin my car insurance, gas, and cellphone bill.

more than 6 months later i'm pretty much still in the same situation. i've had 2 jobs in that time, both that i haven't managed to keep for more than 2 weeks. i flake when responsibility comes. i'm a fucking loser. i'm 18 and i have nothing to show for it. i can't see myself ever having a future, and here's why


  • i can't hold a job


  • i couldn't even finish highschool


  • i can't see myself ever going to college or any kind of vocational school


  • i've only had 2 real boyfriends, meaning i've only seen 2 people i could tell my parents about..i have this problem with seeing older guys who only want me for sexual favours or something..which i didn't always object too..

    • that pretty much means i'll never get married because i can't find anyone who wants me and if i don't get married i'll be doomed to live at home forever because as you can tell i can't deal with life on my own



    • and i can't even get these livejournal dots right.



    ok, the more i read this, the less it is all making sense to me but i guess this is what happens when i spend more than 30 minutes online..

    so that's why i'm depressed..because i'm an 18 year old piece of shit disgrace to my parents..who can't make up their fucking minds and find somewhere for us to buy a house and stop making so many mistakes! guh ok..i guess that will be part of another entry i might write in 900 years..

    ::edit::
    i am just a sorry loser who can't deal with lifes obsticals..i really have nothing to be depressed about, everything that's fucked up in my life is my fault and under my control..alot of people have it worse..but fuck it, i don't care..i'm still fucking depressed. i'll have my cake and eat it too.
    18 sucks for me because it's when i'm supposed to make shit happen and be an adult and move on and take the next steps in my life and i can't fuckin get off the pre-training wheels.
3 comments|post comment

[14 Sep 2004|08:26pm]
[ mood | dorky ]

thanks to childishdreams i have gmail..that's right..i'm now officially cool.
it's JessWasAdiverSheWasAlwaysDown@gmail.com

my old is JessPDAobstacle2@aol.com

i wonder which i should have my comments e mail to?

3 comments|post comment

[10 Sep 2004|03:07pm]
FUCKIN A MANG!
this hurricane shit can suck my dick..
fucking Frances piece of shite took off all our shingles from the back of our house so our roof is like fucking wood and that's it and it's fucking leaking and shit, shingles are all over our yard and it's too hot to pick them up. we were without power for a week, but most of it we spent in West Virgina evacuated.
fuckin Ivan is coming and it looks way worse than fuckin Frances and Charley..well not as big as Frances but still big and alot stronger..guh!
i have no clue about the job i got at the school because school has been canceled till Monday but fuckin Ivan is coming Monday so it will probably get pushed back even more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh

i'm getting really angry..
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