it's 14 days untill i turn 18. when i look back at myself at 15, i never would have imagined this is who i'd be at 18 or where i'd be or i'd have done the things i have done so far. i can't help but feel like a failure. i feel like i have nothing to be proud of in my life, i haven't achieved anything. i mean yeah, i have my GED but that wasn't hard to get, i took a test and got a certificate. no one treated me any differently, i didn't even get a pat on the back.
guh..i was depressed when i was 14. all i wanted to do was to be 16. my life sucked sooo bad. i couldn't go anywhere without having a ride, i couldn't get a cellphone, i couldn't get a job..i felt so much older but i felt trapt. all i wanted to do was be 16. i'd be in highschool and i'd have a car and i'd be so happy. then 16 came and i was still depressed. i felt like shit..this has to be the worst. highschool is a sham, you don't automatically get the car and job and cellphone of your dreams..i was totally depressed. so what did i do? i fucking dropped out of highschool..like, less than a month after it was legal. i had big plans alright. i'd go to adult highschool, and pull in credits like they were goin out of style..and end up graduating a year and a half early. i was fucking wrong. i went there, and i liked it at first..without having due dates or someone breathing down my neck all the time to get my work down, by working at my own pace, i felt less stressed..i could relax..then i started to relax too much. i started only going 2 days a week for like 3 hours a day. i couldn't even go more than 2 fucking days a week when i only went for 3 hours a day anyways..
i didn't even go to school the last 3 weeks of my sophomore year.
that summer my best friend Tana got a car. i was devastated..and jealous. i'm the oldest of my friends, and i'm almost a year older than her..i didn't even have my liscense yet, let alone a car. she went on to get a job and things were really going for her. her and Ashley would call me and try to get me to hang out, but i felt so depressed i stopped answering the phone. they would come to my house and try to pull my sorry ass outta bed and get me in the shower and i wouldn't even do that.
then that September..4 days before my 17th birthday, my parents finally did what they had been talking about for 6 years. we sold our house and we were moving back up north. Ashley and i had our tears, but Tana treated me like shit and wouldn't talk to me before i left. like it was my fault i was moving..real nice...so i spent my 17th birthday alone in a fucking hotel in shit hole Indiana. i didn't get a card, not even a call.
6 months went by in Indiana and at first it wasn't that bad. we went to Chicago like 3 times a week and after a month i finally got a car and a cellphone. i felt like the shit..for a few days. but i had no one to share it with..no friends or anything. i had to resort to driving around with my fucking shitty sister. i called Ashley and Tana to tell them how excited i was. Ashley was excited for me for a few minutes, and Tana, i couldn't even get ahold of her..she was working and partying with her new friends from work (Tana partying isn't normal..it's like she fuckin regressed or something)..so i just fed self pitty pit. so i started doing things alone, going to Barnes and Noble for coffe and reading, and seeing movies because i didn't have to talk to anyone to do those things. then when the gas money ran out and i applied for every job on the planet and got no calls, i realized how bad 17 and having a car and a cellphone could be..because it meant responsibility. back in the day i said all i wanted was a car and a cell and a job, i wanted to feel more like an adult and that's what made me depressed, being an adult. shit was so much easier when i was 14, i wish i had appreciated it then.
so i stopped going out..it started snowing, i had no job, no friends, no money..so i never left my house. it was perfect..no one trying to pull me out of my slump..i could be alone and dig my hole deeper. untill my mom told me about the GED class she saw in the news paper.
so it was my parents idea for me to just get my GED. it pretty much been the entire subject of this journal for a long time..something i wanted to get..but never saw myself getting..it just seemed out of reach for me..i couldn't commit myself to anything. but once i started, it was so easy..i went to the class 4 times and was ready to take the test..alot of shit happened right before i took it which almost kep tme from taking it, but thanks to a principal in Indiana i don't even know, and the lie he told, i got to take it..and it was totally easy..so then i waited to find out if i passed or not.
a couple weeks after i took my test i had a good week durrin the 6 months of hell. Ashley flew up to visit me durring Christmas break. but then that just turned into something i don't look fondly on now because it was hard, after being so depressed and anti social to have someone there..it was too demanding..i ended up going in the bathroom every night and crying. i was glad that she cared enough to spend the money to fly there and see me, and it proved she was a friend for life..but it just made me miss the old days and the things i had taken for granted.
so in February my parents broke our lease and we came back to Florida. big suprise..i knew it wasn't meant to be..and i gotta admitt..at first i was totally happy. i am back in my element..and this time it can work. Palm Coast won't suck if i have a car..and i can spend lots of time with my friends, i'll get a job..things won't be that bad.
i still hadn't found out if i got my GED or not, and i was starting to get really down about it. what if i thought i did so well and really i didn't. what if i fuckin blew it.
then when i least expected it, i got a huge ass envelope in the mail, and it was the fuckin GED. Ashley was excited of course but i didn't think anyone else was. i think it just proved to them i wasn't living up to my potential.
i didn't have a job, i had no money, and my parents were payin my car insurance, gas, and cellphone bill.
more than 6 months later i'm pretty much still in the same situation. i've had 2 jobs in that time, both that i haven't managed to keep for more than 2 weeks. i flake when responsibility comes. i'm a fucking loser. i'm 18 and i have nothing to show for it. i can't see myself ever having a future, and here's why
- i couldn't even finish highschool
- i can't see myself ever going to college or any kind of vocational school
- i've only had 2 real boyfriends, meaning i've only seen 2 people i could tell my parents about..i have this problem with seeing older guys who only want me for sexual favours or something..which i didn't always object too..
- that pretty much means i'll never get married because i can't find anyone who wants me and if i don't get married i'll be doomed to live at home forever because as you can tell i can't deal with life on my own
- and i can't even get these livejournal dots right.
ok, the more i read this, the less it is all making sense to me but i guess this is what happens when i spend more than 30 minutes online..
so that's why i'm depressed..because i'm an 18 year old piece of shit disgrace to my parents..who can't make up their fucking minds and find somewhere for us to buy a house and stop making so many mistakes! guh ok..i guess that will be part of another entry i might write in 900 years..
i am just a sorry loser who can't deal with lifes obsticals..i really have nothing to be depressed about, everything that's fucked up in my life is my fault and under my control..alot of people have it worse..but fuck it, i don't care..i'm still fucking depressed. i'll have my cake and eat it too.
18 sucks for me because it's when i'm supposed to make shit happen and be an adult and move on and take the next steps in my life and i can't fuckin get off the pre-training wheels.